I was broken up with a few weeks ago. Only shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I felt excited and scared all at the same time. Despite the separation I realized how happy I had become uniting myself with another human and being a woman who could have children. I didn’t think I could have children so as you can see I was surprised to see the two lines that stated I was positive for a pregnancy.

I went to the hospital for a blood test to confirm that I was pregnant. After taking my blood and running the tests the doctor explained to me that I was having a miscarriage. I am devastated by the thought of it. I think I just wanted the chance to say wether or not I wanted to have the pregnancy, become a mother and give all of my love to another human that I created. I think I had high hopes in doing this, becoming the mother I never had.

Unfortunately, the last year has been hell for me. I feel fortunate to say that Covid has affected me very little in the ways that is has affected others. Mainly my mental health and being out of work for a few months but I have been able to stay afloat. My relationship ended and I fell behind with my school work but nothing I can’t get through.

My partner who was moving out the day I got my third positive test results back told me he was not interested in sharing a life or having a child with me. He clearly stated he wanted me to have an abortion. I wasn’t sure if that was the route I wanted to take, but I wanted the opportunity to decide that on my own. I guess telling him I was hoping he would brush my hair and help me figure out the options. Not scream those options in my face, leave my house empty and full of hate.

I sit on the toilet writing this. I woke up with clots of blood dripping out of me. It’s thick and dark. Every time I use the bathroom and see the blood I feel abandoned all over again. I think I have a new found of hatred for men and the way they can use you up and spit you out. I think I have found a new way of hating myself too. Allowing the last year to happen to me. I refused to see his true colors.

I never thought I would be using the bathroom all alone with the last of our love falling out of me into the toilet.

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